Drugs of choice: crustless cheesecake and mindless reality TV
21 days after surgery
I have to re-learn how to walk correctly, for 52 years I walked leading with the head, now I need to learn walking leading with the Solar Plexus which feels weird and is exhausting, but necessary. Now I am walking in the house and in my yard, because I let go of the need for distance and go for quality of movement. And because I am close to the house there is no anxiety about not being able to make it back home.
I am realizing that this surgery was not just physical. When I started the Chakra series 5 weeks before surgery I had no idea of the sense of humor Universe/God has. Every week when I would write and then teach the class it was stirring something within me, especially the affirmations that I used. I wrote them with the chakras and my students in mind. But really Universe chose them for ME. Each week it got harder and harder to teach because of the emotional things going on in my life. Lockdown, marriage falling apart, online classes, surgery, not knowing anything. By the time we got to the throat chakra my voice was giving out and I had a hard time swallowing. I truly feel that if I would have taught the whole week I would have gotten hurt, since the threat of being paralyzed was always there.
Neurosurgeon called that week to move surgery from the 17. To the 12. (again I think it was God's divine intervention). I had pre recorded the last two chakra sessions for my students, to be released one each week after my surgery. After all, I was going to be back real soon, right?!
Anyway, I knew that there was 52 years worth of grief stored in my neck and shoulders. That also needed to be released and healed. But right after surgery when my main goal was to get back to “normal” I had forgotten that.
When I got my first massage after surgery and Jenifer put her hands on my shoulders and chest I just wept. It wasn’t physical pain, but emotional pain. I knew then that I had to heal a lot deeper than I had thought. This wasn’t just about my physical body ( AnnaMaya Kosha= outer sheath the body layer—muscles, bones, skin, organs)
This was and is about all the Koshas.
The 5 Koshas
I was in Instant Maui, a restorative yoga pose from my teacher Judith Hanson Lasater, when I could really feel this. It was pretty much at the end of my very gentle practice. I had done my pranayama, soft asana, and now I was in this delicious restorative pose.That’s when the release happened. I wasn’t sad or upset or thinking about anything in particular. Again it was a release in my chest, throat and shoulders. It felt like someone had pulled the plug from the sink and let all the water out. And boy, there was a lot of “water”. And because I was at home and I am not working right now I could just let it go. After about 5 minutes the crying morphed into just leakage from the eyes, hahaha, and events that I had forgotten about, sad things, upsetting things were coming back to the surface. Wow, I remember I was going to deal with that grief, that emotion, when it happened……..but……..I was busy, right? Couldn’t deal with it right there and then. I would cry, it would hurt…….. I can’t go to work looking like I cried, right?!
Well, guess what? I had/ have the time now. That’s where I got into my Vijnannamaya Kosha and for a moment could really “see” all of it. My path, my life, how I got here…….just all of it.
And then, for just a moment I felt joy, love and peace (Ananadamaya Kosha).
So, I wanted to share that with you, because I love when Universe/God shows me over and over again that love and compassion IS the way, the only way to healing.
I still have a lot of healing to do, in all 5 layers that’s for sure. And not every practice will be as releasing as this one, but whenever I notice that I am pushing again or am having that harsh inner dialogue I will ask myself: what would you tell your student? Because we are always kinder to others than ourselves.
I’ll keep you posted on my progress and hopefully see you soon.
“May there be kindness in your gaze when you look within.” -John o’Donohue