I have been teaching Yoga since 2007 and really love what I do. My plan is to write this blog about my way back and not so much where I have been. So, I'll get started right away.
In February 2020 I got rear ended and had to take a trip to the ER. There I found out that I have severe Cervical Spinal Stenosis and needed surgery soon. Anybody that knows me that was about the worst news for me since I try to avoid doctors and medicine as much as I can. But the last years had been physical challenging if I am being honest. I had this weird weakness in my arms and hands that I couldn't explain and just was not feeling well. I had attributed all that to my Hashimoto's (autoimmune disease).
Anyway, I went to 5 different doctors hoping that one would say:" no, you don't need surgery"-- sadly that didn't happen.
Then Covid 19 started, everything was on lock down, we went all virtual for all yoga classes, which made my condition worse. Usually I am a "walker" in class, now I needed to physically do ALL of the remaining 8 classes.
So, by the time (June 12. 2020) I had the surgery I was ready. I went to a top Neurosurgeon that I picked and really vibed with. There was a plan in action for me not to use the usual narcotics because I hardly ever use any drugs not even Tylenol. I made sure I knew if there would be quiet in the operating room, because I am such a sensitive person. My chanting the Mahamrityunjaya mantra over and over. I had no idea what was about to come, I could sense it, but really did not grasped the enormity of it all.
Fast forward, I woke up with the worst pain I have ever felt, except of course the pain I felt after my son died. But even then I didn't want any drugs. I was listening to my teachers Nischala Joy Devi's Sojourn Yoga Nidra, chanted in my head over and over, adding Pranayama when I could. It helped a lot, but on the second day the pain was so much and I was so sick from the anesthesia (nausea and vomiting) that I was hanging on by a very thin thread. I needed to make a decision.
All my yoga tools helped, a lot, but THIS was so much bigger. So, I ended up taking some narcotics and still refusing others. And as the pain was more tolerable I continued with everything that I was doing. The hospital staff didn't care for it too much, I think they rather have a quiet (drugged) patient. But as I was laying there this revelation came to me that THIS was the moment that EVERYTHING in my life had prepared me for. All my life I was afraid of pretty much two things: Anesthesia and someone touching my neck.
But everything that I had ever learned, everybody that I had met, all my different teachers over the years-----everything was part of THIS master plan.
When I look back I would say that Universe/God gave me this car accident, just bad enough, to find out about my condition. So that I could do something about it and to face my two biggest fears---all at once. And I did.
But also all this is happening at a time where if you need to be out for a while, you can be, because we are on lock down and moving into the second phase right now. All the plans that I had, we had, for this year--gone. And not because of my surgery, but because of something bigger. So, I need to TRUST and let's be honest I have trust issues- big ones. But again when I step out of the emotional vortex and the pain vortex and look at it all, I have to say--- God has my back-- I AM BLESSED!
Right now I am three weeks post OP and I am having so many learning and teaching moments, that I want to take the time to write some of them down (well, and Debbie told me to) as a reminder, when we feel weak or we doubt ourselves, our believes, our yoga practice to re read it and know how blessed we are and that our tools work--the work--works! But to always look for the "Helpers" too :)