“The emergency Gummi bears are gone!” Victoria, my almost 6 year old granddaughter cried out. She has kept a watchful eye out for them, just in case a Victoria emergency would occur. Now I had beaten her to it. It was late Wednesday night when the sense of emergency came over me. As I am sitting there in my chair separating the red and green ones from the orange and white ones (my favorites) I was aware that it was only a partial emergency or I would eat ALL Gummi bears regardless of their color. (hahahaha) How did I get here? I had successfully weaned myself off the cheesecake for now, so why am I eating the emergency gummi bears at eleven o’clock at night? As the sweet flavor of the orange Haribo treat dissolves on my tongue I start feeling, breathing, noticing. You see, it’s not really about the gummi bears, it’s about the emotion attached to this treat. It takes me back to when I was a child, when I was home, when a treat of Gummi bears or Gummi coca cola bottles could wipe away all pain and sorrow. It was like magic. Maybe because it was a rare treat, maybe because Mama was right there, maybe it was the extra attention……
So, what happened during this week that triggered me into needing this emotion attached to this sweet treat? Let me start by saying that overall it has been a really good and pivotal week. Remember I am just sharing my journey with it’s ups and downs. I ALWAYS try to find a positive in everything and know this: life is good. That said, I think Universe said that I am ready for some turbulence to come my way ( I write this with a grin on my face, because what I think I can handle and what Universe thinks are two completely different things Hahaha)
Monday Mercury came out of retrograde- thank you!- and I had to address me going back to work, because it has been almost 6 weeks now since surgery. I knew this deadline was coming, but subconsciously didn’t want to deal with it. Now I had to. I had to reschedule the Restorative Training and email the other places where I work about when I was coming back to teach. That put a lot of pressure on me. Who put that pressure on me? Oh, yes, I put that pressure on myself. HMMMM…… Once that was sorted I immediately felt so much better. My daughter Amy picked me up a couple of times to go to the playground with Victoria so that I'll get outside a little. I am still not driving, I’ll get to that later.
At the playground, as I watched V play, I decided that it would be a good idea to hop on the big saucer swing ( I am starting to feel like myself again ) oh I did hop up, but as soon as I did I knew it was a mistake. Waves of pain and dizziness were running through me, Amy came running saying that it was a bad idea, I agree. But what was it that made me react like this? The action itself? My body not being ready or inactive for so long? Sitting with this I figured it out, it was FEAR. Not knowing how my body would react. I feel like I can’t trust my body anymore. The next “episode” came when we went to Sunrise park (before you all tell me it’s called something else, I know, but for me it will always be Sunrise park Hahaha) Victoria had a blast playing in the water and I needed to sit down somewhere so I picked out one of the big rocks there and sat. Another bad idea. The rock wobbled as I sat down and that same wave of pain, dizziness, panic washed over me. But since I had experienced it the day prior I stayed calmer. In my head I said: well, this wasn’t a good idea and laughed, got up and focused on my breath. Looking at the positive I made this mental note, I got up and down by myself, I did not fall (thank God) and I did not have a full blown panic attack. I am making progress. And just as I was celebrating this milestone, Universe thought that I was ready to hear that my mom was in the hospital, tested for the virus (she tested Negative) and me not knowing what was going to happen. In the meantime my cat Huckleberry got sick and had blood in his urine and I had to deal with that, not only the worry about him but the extra cost of Vet and such that I had to figure out. That was Wednesday and that night the emergency Gummi bears didn’t stand a chance…….
In my meditation I could see it all clearly, but when you are all caught up in the moment you re-act. In PT I got the ok this week to fully move my arms, well gently, but still the only restriction is, thumbs up---always! Yay, getting this”permission” was huge for me. It’s a mental thing for sure, tying in with the fear. I started moving at first timitly, then as I was listening and watching my body with love rather than fear I started to feel better. Yesterday I watered my plants in the front yard- all by myself- I know you are probably rolling your eyes, but this is huge for me!! Gardening has always been good for my mental health and I miss it.
So all is happening it its own time, if we just let it. But to let it we need to work through the emotions that we are feeling. Best thing to do it right there and then. But as I am healing I am looking at 52 years worth of grief, trauma and fear that I didn’t deal with or only half way.
My teacher Judith Hanson Lasater says in her book “Living your yoga”, Deep fears of loss have been transferred into fear of some other object or situation.
In yoga we have this ongoing joke that if you ever are asked a question in a yoga workshop the answer is ALWAYS either Meditation or Pranayama !!! And it’s funny but also true.
Last week I said to anybody that wanted to listen (or maybe not?) that I am never driving again.
Every time I am getting in the car as a passenger I have extreme anxiety. Thank goodness no one argued with me last week as I proclaimed that I was NEVER driving again. So that in itself made me think. Nobody is disputing this? Wow, Which in turn made me think about, why not?
Maybe my friends and family know me a little too well? I mean I am a Scorpio.
So, for like two days that was my meditation theme. What is going on when I get into the car? Why do I feel the way I do? I figured it out, I have my reasons (I can’t share everything).
This week I am already saying: WHEN I drive again…… that’s progress. Maybe between meditation, pranayama and physical exercises (asanas) I’ll be ready to drive soon, maybe even next week? Who knows?!
Today was a very good day! I wanted Amy to drop me off at Charlestown Landing to walk a little. Instead she and V went with me and honestly I was relieved not to go alone, because there is that fear in the back of my head. And I do not like that feeling. And I walked and I had to rest, but I walked some more and it felt GOOD. And I wanted more and I will do more and slowly make my way back to my true self and to you.
One of my favorite quotes is:
“Everything you ever wanted is on the other side of fear.-George Addair-
So take that first step and make your way to the other side.
I want to share what works for me when fear and anxiety make me feel restricted:
Pause: stop and bring awareness to what you are doing and feeling. Ask yourself: is it true?
Breathe: put your left hand on your heart and your right hand on your belly, breathe, feel the breath, flow into any calming/cooling pranayama practice that you know
Shake or dance it out: You can shake like a dog, all relaxed and loose or put your favorite song on and have a dance break, but dance like nobody's watching
Tap:lightly tap on the back edge of your hand, the middle of your chest, along your arms or legs, back in kidney and adrenal area
Sing/chant: make a joyful noise, sing, chant, it doesn’t have to be pretty, it just needs to come from your heart and soul
Affirmations: I am grounded
My spirit is grounded deep in the earth
I am calm, supported and loved
I am strong and peaceful
I am able to let go of fear and trust that I am eternally safe
I am whole and healthy
I am worthy
I am love
I am peace
I am NOW
To finish a couple more of my favorite quotes, you probably have heard them a million times in class, but here they are:
The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek. -Joseph Campbell-
Don’t move the way fear makes you move.
Move the way love makes you move.
Move the way joy makes you move. -Osho-