Where are you going? My husband, who usually doesn't say much, is asking me this as he is standing behind me on the porch. I am on my bike, which right now is stationary. I am pedaling at a good pace, watch out Lance Armstrong.
My husbands question is startling me, because I have heard this before. from my friends. But at that time it was about my walking. I like to walk, I like to walk.....fast. Some call it "pounding the pavement".
It is the way I process some things, life things, hard things. I walk fast and far, anyway I used to......before my accident, before my surgery. And then I tried to after the surgery and it's just not working. Then I get frustrated and swim instead, but even there I push, I push especially when things are complicated and heavy. Where am I going? Why do I need to push myself when I am already down or weak? How can I explore the gray areas? It seems I only know black or white, hot or cold, hard or soft, fast or slow....... you get where this is going....
A couple of weeks ago I tried to ride my new bike, I was so excited! It was supposed to be the first time since the accident and my neighbor gifted me a beautiful brand new bike.
I went down the drive way and tried to get on, but the middle bar was pretty high, higher than I remember. Turns out they make unisex bikes these days, not your women or men bikes. Anyway, when I finally got on my legs could not push off for me to get going.
I cried, I was so disappointed. I put my bike back on the porch and walked away. But all evening I was thinking about how I could get back onto that bike to ride it. The next morning I was teaching at the gym and showed up early to ride the exercise bike, to prove to myself that I could do it. I pedaled for 30 minutes.
Where are you going?
So, it's not my legs. Why then do I have a hard time walking and can not ride my bike ?
Another sleepless night followed where I made a midnight purchase of a stand, a trainer for my bike. Since then my bicycle is stationary..........Some days I ride twice a day other days I don't ride at all. I am up to 45 minutes at a time now depending on how I feel that day. My legs are weak sometimes and I have some neurological things going on.
Where are you going? What a wonderful question, as I pedal hard....... Where am I going?
Well during that time I was going for another MRI, this time on my lumbar. This time I didn't even squeeze my stress ball while being in the very small machine. I knew already that something was just not right, not the same. I have tried so hard to get back to "normal" since the surgery, but it was not happening. Everybody telling me that I need more time, that I need to be patient with myself and to go ahead and take the pain relievers.......
I choose movement instead, that IS my pain reliever. Anyway, MRI shows more Spinal Stenosis, a herniated disc at L4-L5 and Osteoarthritis, along my auto immune disease which is fueled by stress...........hmmmm. where am I going? Very good question.
For days now that has been the theme of my daily meditations. Such an innocent question from my husband, I am sure he was trying to be funny, but he provoked deep contemplation with this question.
Where am I going? I am taking it one day at a time, sometimes even just one hour at a time.
For two years now I am trying to go home to Germany to see my mom who has dementia. And because of the pandemic it had to be postponed twice. But I will try real hard to go next May. Where are you going?
I also became a Pippa again this April and want to go and see my new grand son in Virginia, I won't be able to drive, but I got myself an Amtrak ticket instead (keep moving)
Where are you going?
I had to postpone our Gentle Yoga Charleston Retreat because of Covid 19. but it is happening this October (please sign up! haha)
Where are you going?
Ever since that day my husband asked me that, I am trying to be softer, to walk and rest when I need to, to pedal with ease and stop when I want to, to swim for an hour but NOT count the laps, to practice yoga with my chair or on good days with the wall and on not so good days I'll do restorative yoga (which then becomes a good day).
Where am I going? I am moving towards acceptance. Things change, my body changed, yes.... I have limitations, but I can still move (at least right now). And as long as I can do that I will. As long as I can move I will teach yoga, that's for sure.
So when you see me pounding the pavement (haha) or see me on my bike (hopefully when I can actually ride it at the park) or you see me swimming at the pool, ask me
"Where are you going?" as a reminder to stay in the present moment and maybe be more gentle with myself. And to enjoy the ride no matter what!!
I am inviting you to sit with yourself too and ask this question:
Where are you going? (Which really means, what are you doing?)
I'll see you on the mat/chair/grass. Much love to you all.